


Love Of A Brother

by navaan



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Childhood, F/M, Growing Up, M/M, Marvel Universe Big Bang, Misunderstandings, Multi, Sibling Bonding, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-18
Updated: 2012-11-18
Packaged: 2017-11-18 23:18:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/566384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/navaan/pseuds/navaan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charles finds Raven and they both realize they are not alone anymore. They still don't have an easy time growing up, finding out who they are and who they want to be – and everything gets only more complicated when it's not just the two of them anymore. Charles' POV</p>
<p>(Raven & Charles (with hints of unrequited Raven/Charles), Charles/Erik, hints of Hank/Raven and slight Raven/Erik)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Of A Brother

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to my beta reader . This was written for the [Marvel Universe Big Bang](http://marvel-bang.livejournal.com) on livejorunal.  
> Check out the wonderful art created by [here!](http://chosenfire28.livejournal.com/271228.html)

When he finds Raven – or she finds him – she's nothing more than a traumatized child. Although he sees glimpses of it in her mind, he isn't much older than her himself and doesn't yet understand this. He has his own trauma to fight everyday, but he doesn't yet understand this either. His family situation is far from ideal after all and it will take him years to figure it out. 

Though it does help him to have someone he has to take care of. Finally he isn't alone anymore. And neither is Raven. 

Charles is still young and believes that this will be enough.

They become inseparable and the servants accept Raven readily into the household. She has chosen the form of a lovely blond girl with rosy cheeks and everyone falls in love with her at first sight. Charles is glad that things go well and never questions Raven on the form she's chosen. 

To make influencing his family easier Charles goes out of his way to forge a letter of a distant relative to Sharon to make her accept Raven without hiccups, too. He knows his mother's mind isn't with them much these days and there is a chance that he won't even have to touch her mind to make this happen if he plays it right. He knows his mother thoughts are with his father, talking to him in her mind, sometimes even out loud, wallowing in memories and forgetting the present in a haze of alcohol. Through all of it, she still wants the best for her son. After all he's all that is left of Brian in this world.

There is only a tiny second of doubt in her when she reads the letter and Charles is quick to push a false memory of a family event at her, where Brian had gushed over little baby Raven. It is easy enough to convince her. The Xavier's are a big family and Sharon had never bothered to keep track of all the children of other people.

So everything goes well and Charles is happy when he doesn't have to manipulate his mother's mind any deeper than that superficial first touch. Even touching her surface thoughts reveals too much of her fractured mind. It hurts. It makes him sad. And sometimes it scares him.

Could he help her if she would let him in? If he'd know how to do it?

He doesn't know how to use his gift to save her life. And he doesn't dare try it, fearful of what might happen to her – to both of them – if anything goes wrong. But at least he has found out how he can use his talent to protect Raven. And so he devotes himself to keep her safe.

“Would you like it if your cousin Raven stayed with us?” Sharon asks him one day out of the blue when she catches him in the hallway. He is playing hide and seek with Raven, trying to be as silent and unobtrusive as possible to not get in anyone's way. “She'd be your sister,” Sharon says with a smile.

He can see Raven abandoning her hiding place in one of the thick hallway curtains in surprise, blue and beautiful as she had been in their kitchen that first night. His mother doesn't notice the little blue girl, focused on Charles who swallows and looks up at her in honest joy and astonishment. “I'd like that!” 

She hasn't touched him in weeks and the way she now pats his head is bliss. Maybe she's going to be all right now that she has another child to care for. Maybe Raven is a blessing for both of them.

Little Raven stares at him with wide, yellow eyes when Sharon is gone. “I'll be your sister.” Her voice is full of wonder. She can't believe it, yet.

“You already are my sister,” he smiles. But the knowledge that Raven will not be taken away from him again now, takes a weight from his shoulders he hadn't even been aware of carrying around.

He never figures out how exactly the legal matters are settled, but he has a feeling money is thrown in a lot of directions to deal with the matter of Raven's missing papers. He never hears of it again, but there will never be any problems now or in the future. Money rules the world after all and nobody will deny Sharon Xavier anything in her time of grief, not with Brian's fortune to back her up.

Out of fear he never asks about it, never tries to pry it from his mother's mind. It's not important. Only the fact that Raven is staying is important now. 

He's not alone anymore.

“It's us against the world now!” Raven cheers as she runs to find a new hiding place. “No cheating!” she adds, reminding him not to use his gift, before she vanishes around the corner.

He has a sister now. A responsibility. Someone he can love and protect. Someone like himself.

&&&

For a while everything is better. Charles is glad for Raven's presence in his previously lonely life. His mother is happier for a while and even vaguely interested in what the two of them are up to. Charles thinks they might be a happy little family now.

It all changes again when Kurt marries Sharon and brings his son Cain to live with them at the mansion. Before the mansion and the grounds surrounding it had been big enough for them to do what they wanted at any time of the day. The instant he's introduced to his new brother Charles knows things will never be the same again. “This is Cain,” Sharon tells him and smiles. She looks at Charles briefly and says: “Now you have a brother, too, Charles. Isn't that wonderful?” A part of her expects him to accept this as easily as he accepted Raven, but she has it all wrong, of course. Charles had adopted Raven long before his mother even knew of her. 

_We wanted you to have siblings._ There is no need to get deeper into her thoughts to know, that she is thinking about his father, not about her new husband. It makes him uneasy that for her his father's death is a wound that never seems to heal. It makes him think he doesn't know everything, that there are things Sharon is keeping to herself, that Charles doesn't know about. And only for a moment does he think about what it could be, before he is pulled into an abyss of darkness and shies back before he's really understood what has happened.

He has the power to know, but he doesn't want to.

So he lets himself be shoved in front of his new brother and looks at the boy awkwardly. _You are not my brother._ Cain's thoughts are angry and cut like a knife. Charles deliberately avoids looking at him again, instead focuses on their mother's new husband.

He's seen him before, of course, when he was smaller and Kurt still worked with his father. Kurt smiles at him a little indulgently. “You remember me, Charles?” Charles nearly recoils when all that he finds in his stepfathers mind are thoughts of greed and indifference. He doesn't even spare a glance for Raven, just looks at Charles appraisingly. “Brian was always very proud of you,” he says with another unpleasant smile.

A wave of blind rage from Cain, makes him gasp for breath. Raven steps up to take his hand.

She doesn't need to be a telepath to know that things will be different from now on.

&&&

Charles and Raven try to stay as far away as possible from anyone who lives with them. They find hiding places and build their own little kingdom in the abandoned parts of the house. As a telepath it is easy for him to detect when anyone is coming their way and Raven begins to see it as their new, more exciting form of hide and seek. After a while it becomes clear that Kurt is practically ordering his son to go looking for them when they are gone too long.

Raven thinks all of this is a great adventure. Once again it is them against the world and Charles is there to protect and love her. To her it's perfect and her excitement is infectious. Their having fun and he forgets his misgivings. 

But they can't stay out of sight forever and it's an unpleasant awakening for Charles. There is no hiding from the thoughts directed directly at him.

Early on he decides that it is best not to scare Raven by all that he sees and hears in the thoughts of their new family members. But he does tell her to be cautious around Cain, who is taking out his anger on anything that conveniently crosses his path at the wrong moment. In the first week at the mansion he destroyed a chair and Charles and Raven heard his father yelling at him for nearly an hour afterwards. It scared them both. 

Charles isn't used to anyone yelling in the house. He is used to indifference, polite disinterest and lonely silence. He's become used to Raven's laughter in the hallways. But Raven knows hate like that all to well and hides away, her hands clutched tightly over her ears to block out the screaming. She's shivering and doesn't stop even when Charles sits down beside her and embraces her.

Her fear infects him. It's so strong that he can't block it out, although he tries to build a wall of calm around both of them and holds her until it is over. His little sister fears for her life, for a repeat of something that happened to her before. In her fear she loses control over her form and he is stroking her bright red hair to calm her down. Carefully monitoring what is going on in the house to keep any intruders away. Even when the worst of it has passed, they stay where they are just holding on to each other.

Cain seems to sense Raven's fear. From the first moment he sees her, Charles can _hear_ his wish to hurt her like an angry scream. It's so _loud_ it physically hurts him, but it's only in his head - and Cain's. He tries to close off his mind and ignore the violent thoughts, although he knows he can't do it, not entirely. Raven is in danger from this boy they are now supposed to call brother and Charles is by now even more afraid of the man who now calls himself their father when it suits him.

Kurt's thoughts are no less violent, but more subtle and less angry then those of his son.

Soon Charles begins to recognize a pattern. Every time Cain has a _disagreement_ with his father, the boy seeks Raven out shortly after and hunts her through the big house, terrorizing and taunting her until there are tears in her eyes. Of course, Charles _knows_ what is going on and never leaves Raven's side when they are not at school. When he has to leave her, Raven saves herself by taking on the guise of a housemaid, slinking through the halls unnoticed by Cain. So nothing really bad ever happens.

“She's the devil,” Cain tells his father one evening. “She can vanish into thin air.” Charles doesn't like the way this of all things finally gets Kurt's attention.

His mother is feeling the strain between all of them and feels sad about it, but barely ever says a word these days. She's growing more and more silent each day, withdrawing from all of them. “I wanted the best for my children,” she tells Kurt in a clipped tone one evening. Charles is standing outside her door, about to knock, when he realizes there is going to be an argument. Frozen he stays where he is, following the conversation through his mother's mind. “I wanted Charles to have a happy family. Siblings. A man he could look up to. Like his father.” 

Kurt sneers at her. “You just wanted someone who would take responsibility, Sharon. Don't fool yourself. You're not exactly a good mother.”

He can feel his mother's mind recoil from the statement. Deep down she thinks the same about herself. Brian had always been the loving father – and she had loved him. A man like that had been what she wanted. A man who would care for the children and her and keep everything together. “I thought you were a better man,” she tells Kurt, but the moment it leaves her mouth she knows it's a mistake – and so does Charles. Kurt raises his hand as if to slap her. Charles is in his mind, before he actually reaches her. He holds him frozen for a moment, surprised that he actually can.

Sharon is blinking up at her husband, frozen in time, and Charles lets him go, taking the violent thoughts with him.

But when Kurt lowers his hand he says: “We should send the girl away. She's trouble. Not worth it to keep her around. She's not even really your daughter.” _Money_ is the only thing on his mind. And suddenly Charles feels nothing but rage, a rage hot like the anger Cain feels all day, and he reaches out with his mind and tears at what he finds in Kurt's thoughts. There is a choked scream from inside the room. His mother is screaming, too.

“Kurt?” She calls his name over and over again.

Charles doesn't let go.

“Charles?” Suddenly Raven is standing behind him, fearfully looking at the closed door, shivering at her memories of violence. She clearly heard the commotion.

And Charles finally lets go, takes her hand and pulls her after him. They run down the hall as if the devil himself is after them. 

He might just as well be.

Kurt Marco stays in the hospital for nearly a week, but none of the doctors can explain what happened to him. 

Only a fourteen year old boy knows that in his anger he nearly committed murder. Raven doesn't believe him at first when he tells her, but when she sees Kurt Marco in his hospital bed she begins to piece together what must have happened on her own. “It's okay,” she tells Charles in the safety of her room and throws her arms around him. “He is still alive. Nobody knows what's happened. It's going to be okay. You'll see.”

“I know, Raven.” And he won't ever forget. The anger of a telepath means danger to the minds around him.

Life at the mansion is quiet for a while. Even when Kurt returns, he is friendlier and doesn't seem to remember a thing. Only sometimes Charles feels Kurt's eyes on him, contemplating what happened that night, remembering Brian always telling him how _special_ his son was.

_Special_ , Kurt thinks, but Charles finds no traces in his memory that would allow him to connect the incident to Charles.

&&&

Kurt takes a heightened interest in Charles after that and that makes it harder to avoid him without being obvious. “You're a smart boy, Charles. Maybe you could help Cain with his school work occasionally.” They are sitting at the dinner table, a happy little family – all of them pretending for the sake of others. Only Sharon is silent and withdrawn, drinking too much. Raven is pushing the food around her plate without interest, yearning to get away. Charles wants to decline immediately, but the underlying thoughts of both Kurt and Cain hit him like a physical blow.

He knows by now that the relationship between father and son is less than healthy. He doesn't pry deep enough to figure out the reasons, but it is clear that Cain adores his father, much like Charles adores his mother in spite of all of her faults. He wants to be loved and be noticed. But Kurt feels nothing but resentment at a son who never lives up to his expectations. The intensity of their thoughts focused on him makes his head hurt and he lays down his fork, not able to eat any more.

“Charles?” Kurt asks. There isn't even a hint of concern in his voice. Impatience, maybe, some sort of very focused interest. _Suspicion._

Kurt suspects something. How can he know? Charles tries to stay calm, when Kurt's gaze drops on Raven for a moment, calculating. He's asked too many uncomfortable questions about her already and Charles is carefully trying to get his thoughts to focus on something else. He doesn't do this often, never had to do it on a regular basis before. Kurt focuses back on him, as if he knows.

“Okay.” Charles shrugs as if nothing is out of the ordinary.

Raven looks over at him, narrowing her eyes. They both know that is a bad idea, but she also doesn't know what he's up to. 

“Good.” Kurt nods at him.

_I'll make you pay,_ Cain chants in his head. Charles has no doubt that he means it.

&&&

“You're a little freak, you know that?” Cain taunts him one day. “Dad says so.”

Charles isn't bothered by the insult, but the implication that Kurt _knows_ something rattles him a little. What is he supposed to do, if it's true?

“He says that's why your mother is in the hospital, because you are driving her crazy.” He makes a telling hand gesture, clearly illustrating that Sharon is crazy.

There is desperation in the claim and Charles would feel pity for angry, lonely Cain, if his mother weren't slowly wasting away. And just recently Charles and Raven had realized that Sharon's death would leave them with Kurt and Cain and no-one else. By now that thought has become frightening enough to override everything else. And maybe Kurt _knows_ this as well.

He's seen an image of a lab in his mind a few times now. Once or twice he has even asked Charles to come along to look at his _work place_. There is something about Brian's research and some notes he's left behind in the back of Kurt's mind at all times and Charles can't quite figure out what it has to do with himself. 

Yesterday Kurt had even made some inquiries about Raven's real parents. Charles knows he can't let him find out or he'll send Raven away – or worse, find out about her. There is clearly reason to be even more careful around their stepfather now.

Raven doesn't know yet, but he will not be able to keep it from her for much longer. Just yesterday she'd climbed into his bed at night to snuggle close to him after a nightmare and whispered: “Let's runaway. We can do it together. We'll never be alone. Just the two of us.”

“You're not even listening to me, are you?” Cain cries. He's all rage and hurt anger. He's jealous of Charles, because he isn't alone. Because Kurt thinks he is something special. He wants to show everyone that he is someone, too. Charles thinks that maybe what Cain really needs is a friend, but there's no way that he can be that for him. Not while he has to protect himself and his sister from whatever is to come.

He's distracted with these thoughts for a moment, distracted enough for Cain to step up and grasp his arm in a tight grip. Of course, Charles knows his intent right away, has known it since the taunting began on the top of this very convenient stair case of all places. He could make Cain let go, make him leave, knows how he can do it by now. Downstairs he can feel Kurt stirring at the noise they are causing – well, Cain's yelling is causing really, because Charles has yet to make a sound. Raven is coming towards them from the west wing at a run, thinking: _Charles! What's wrong? Are you all right?_

Cain is staring right at him, something cold in his eyes. He wants to hurt someone, make his own pain go away by passing it on to others. 

And there is a memory connected to all this. Kurt wants Charles to reveal his gift. Cain wants to be praised. And Kurt is only steps away from seeing them now.

But Charles has already decided that he won't stop this, long before he'd seen the truth in Cain's thoughts.

“Charles!” Raven shouts when she sees them.

_It's all right, Raven,_ he whispers in her mind, before he feels himself flung down the stair case as if it's happening to someone else.

He can at least keep her save for as long as possible. Kurt can't be allowed to know.

Raven screams in his mind. Later she will make him promise never to let something like this happen again. He promises instead to take care of the two of them whatever happens. And he already has taken care of something, because Kurt Marco has doubts now about something he thought he knew for a fact.

Charles will be safe for a while – and so will Raven.

“You shouldn't have allowed it,” Raven tells him with clenched fists. She has grown so much since they came to live together and Charles feels like they are both growing-up much too fast. “You should have hurt him. And Kurt, too! One day you'll have to!”

He puts a finger to his lips, silently asking her not to say these things out loud where someone could overhear them.

_It won't get better,_

_I know_ , he thinks back. _But nobody knows, Raven. Just the two of us. We don't have to do anything._

_I could do it,_ she answers, thinking of her family, running away. 

_I don't want you to do it. I can protect both of us._

She shakes her head at him, with a frown that makes her look far too old. _You're not alone anymore._

“I know,” he whispers. And he's never been more grateful for it.

&&&

His responsibility to her always comes first. It's him bringing her up for the most part with the adults in their lives only shadows that ultimately vanish and die. Sharon never returns home from her stay at the hospital and Charles tries hard not to remember her as the woman lying in a stark white room, looking at him with unseeing eyes. But then he has only few wonderful memories of her. He decides to remember the day she'd told him Raven would stay with them.

Even Cain vanishes from their young lives only shortly after, when his father dies in a fire that was most likely caused by his own son. It's strange to think that the last act of Kurt's life was to get Charles and Raven to safety, before he went back to look for Cain.

Humans are strange creatures, complex, complicated and contradictory. Charles promises to himself that he will never forget that. Even Kurt Marco had done something good in his life.

Raven shows not the slightest hint of regret at what has happened. She holds Charles' hand at the funeral service, but doesn't speak to any of the adults who are fawning over them. “I'm not sad,” she tells Charles in a quiet moment. “I have you.”

Charles is too young to take care of the two of them unaided, but he's clever enough to get them through without much help. It's easy to convince people to do things the way he wants them to, He's the heir of a big fortune after all. They won't lack for anything.

And if adults have doubts, he can always distract them.

“It's just the two of us now,” Raven says to him and briefly he can hear her thinking: _All that we need._ All of this is a good thing to her. She knows by now that Charles will always protect her. 

And he does.

It never is a problem for him to put her needs first. They have the house mostly to themselves and they play around with their growing abilities, free to do what they want without fearing discovery for the first time in their lives. At school it's a bit harder for both of them. They can't be together all the time here. Charles always has a hard time to keep the thoughts of others at bay when there are just so many of them at once. And again some of the most unpleasant thoughts are thought _right at him_. 

_Teacher's pet._

He never tells Raven the details about his unpleasant experiences, but they learn to use his realization that there is a way to address thoughts to someone to have telepathic contact when they are apart. They are learning perfect control. They're learning to communicate over distances. They're learning that the only voice that really matters around them is the one of your closest friend.

Things are good. Nearly perfect.

One day, though, Raven has a little accident in school. It's nothing that would have been tragic if not for one not so minor detail: She gets pushed by another girl who is in a hurry and doesn't watch where she is going, stumbles and nearly falls down a few steps outside of school. In her surprise she lets go of control and her usual disguise is gone in the blink of an eye. Charles is waiting by the car that has come to pick them up and sees it happen. 

Not many people are around to see it, which is a blessing, but the girls who see her start screaming. Shocked and scared out of surprise more than because they really understand what they are seeing. Raven freezes like a deer in the headlights, but Charles acts even before he makes a conscious decision to do so.

He can feel the panic spreading, people coming towards them to find out what has happened. He has all of them frozen with one thought. Later can't even explain how he knew how to do it. Never before has he controlled so many people at once. It's strange and uncomfortable to hold all of their minds, holding their consciousness in a tight grip, making it seem like time has stopped. Raven stares at him across the distance, with wide yellow eye,s red hair framing her small blue face. She's still in shock, memories of her family trying to kill her flitting through her mind, but a short touch of his own mind reassures him that she is in fact all right. He nods and she begins to pick herself up. In the blink of an eye she's back in her daily guise. A blond teenage girl in a cute dress stands in the middle of a frozen crowd and cleans away the dirt on her clothes with one hand, unhurried and calm.

She nods at him again.

It's a wonder he manages to wipe the memory from the minds of the girls without causing damage. He has never done anything like this before. It feels wrong and right and necessary and scary.

When it's over he is exhausted, but Raven is safe.

He doesn't realize just then that Raven has seen for the first time what he is capable of with his gift and that it makes her a little wary.

With her gift she can hide in plain sight. But with his gift he can actually influence others.

&&&

In Oxford it gets complicated for the first time. They are still as close as ever, but it had never occurred to Charles that this could be a problem. He's caught up in his studies, caught up in university life and being a genius. The thoughts of others tell him that being a genius sets him apart and at times comes close to what being a human with incredible powers like his own out in the open would feel like. Some people are impressed, some hate him, some are scared off by his intellect. Some are jealous, because he came so far, so young.

People don't see him as normal – whatever that word means exactly. It's one of the few mysteries he might never figure out.

Some people think that his _difference_ is interesting. Some people think he's charming. Some people even want him and when these thoughts are directed right at him, it tends to confuse him to the point where he doesn't know how to react. His focus gets thrown off easily at first with so many strange, new minds to touch, but he is learning fast.

He meets interesting people, beautiful people, scary people. His telepathy helps him to learn more about the social expectations he's never had to deal with before, about life and about people's hopes and dreams. 

Over time he learns also that there is a new side to Raven. There had never been a question of leaving her behind. She's his little sister, his closest friend, his companion. Although Raven has no interest of following in his footsteps and get a higher education, she would never have left his side. She listens to him when he talks about his studies, about the theories he has about their gifts. She smiles, shows interest and sometimes challenges his views. 

“You'd be smart enough for university,” Charles tells her. “If that is what you want, of course.”

“It's not.”

“Then what is? What do you want to do? You know I'd support you, whatever you chose to do.”

“Of course, you would,” she tells him with a laugh. “I'll occupy myself. But _this_ is about you, genius.”

“Okay.”

“What I really want is never to be alone again.”

He is quick to reassure her: “Whatever you choose to do one day. You'll _never_ be alone, Raven. I'll always be your brother.”

She smiles at him wistfully and he stares. “You promised not to look,” she chides him.

“I don't.”

“Good,” she says with a happier smile.

He hasn't looked at her thoughts without her invitation for years.

When she takes her first job at a pub, it isn't what he expected at all, but he keeps to his word and doesn't contradict her choice. She's followed him, so he could live his dream after all. Working in a pub doesn't seem like a challenge for a bright girl like Raven, but he also notices that she seems happier and more relaxed around people. “I like watching the guests, you know?” she tries to explain to him one evening. “Everyone is different, has a certain way of speaking or to hold himself. It's amazing to watch.”

He smiles, recognizing his own fascination with people's minds and thoughts in her fascination with looks and behavior. “Do you try..., you know?” He nods towards her.

She looks uncomfortable with his question, but nods slowly. “Sometimes.” 

“That's brilliant. I see why observing would be useful!”

His sister laughs. “I thought you would think me stupid for wanting to work there...”

“To be honest I spend more than half of my days at Oxford doing the exact same thing. People can be so fascinating.”

They laugh together and he promises to come by her work place as soon as he finds the time. She also promises to come by to visit him at _his_ “workplace”. The next day he is surprised when one of his professors suddenly appears beside him on campus and clears his throat. “Mr. Xavier.”

He's not sure if frowning or laughing would be the better response, but fears he's now doing a strange mix of the two. “Raven, really. Sneaking up on me?”

“How did you... You're cheating!” It's strange to hear the normally level voice of the man perform this particular tone.

“Actually he never walks as proudly as you do. He's always hunched slightly forward and never greets me when it is not strictly necessary.”

In a moment – when nobody is watching – Raven is standing before him in her usual blonde guise. “You're not mad?”

“Of course, not. But you'll have to do more research before you get one up on me, my dear.”

It's a challenge and both of them are quite up to it, too.

&&&

His responsibility to Raven still always comes first in his mind, even amidst his new exciting live, and so it takes him a while to realize something important.

It's the third time that she has scared away a potential date. He never figured out why Amy broke up with him before that. As not one of his relationships had been long lived, he hadn't thought much of it. It wasn't easy to be so close with people when you were a telepath. People tended to think of him as a little strange, some got scared. Over the years he's had time enough to learn how to control it, to use it to his advantage, but it was still hard when he got closer to someone who didn 't _know_.

He's only using his telepathy with Raven, only when he's allowed and even then he never goes deep. It's hard to ignore how uncomfortable it makes her lately. 

Charles has never really thought about it to hard. It hurt a little when he did. Raven should know better than to think he would ever use his gift against her. After he was doing everything for her. Even when he was annoyed.

“Why did you do that?” he asks in a small voice. “She seemed nice.”

“You're here with me. Isn't that enough, Charles?”

A guy is looking at her from the bar. It's obvious to Charles that he's trying to make eye contact even without reading his mind. He can feel the focus of his surface thoughts. To make himself resist the urge to dig deeper he looks right at Raven. “Maybe you should flirt a little more, Raven. You'll find out that it's different.”

“ _Different_?” she scoffs at him, as if it's an unthinkable idea.

“You're my sister, Raven. It's not the same,” he tries to elaborate without hurting her feelings.

But there is a hurt flicker in her eyes, a slight glimpse of yellow, and he thinks that maybe he is hurting her feelings even more than he was afraid of doing. Everything would be so much easier if he hadn't sworn to respect her privacy at all times. Other people are used to navigate life and its social traps without telepathy. For him it is as if one of his senses is cut off from him. He feels a little lost.

Shouldn't he know Raven well enough to not need telepathy?

“Yes. Right,” she says. “It's not the same for _us_ , Charles.” And this time he hears the thought of _We are different!_ in his mind so clearly that she must have projected it deliberately.

&&&

It takes him a while to understand why she sabotages his relationships. It wouldn't have taken him this long to realize it, if he hadn't promised to stay away from her thoughts, he thinks bitterly. But then admits to himself that maybe, just maybe seeing this in her thoughts would have scared him.

Raven is taking his promise to stay together forever quite literally. For her he is not only the only person, who ever accepted her, he is quite literally the only man in her life. Along these lines her love for him has developed into a crush.

When he finds out, he is flustered and a little embarrassed. His _sister_ is jealous of anyone who comes near him and he has no idea how to dissuade her.

“You are the only one who really knows me, Charles. And I _know_ you,” she explains to him, when they make their way back to their apartment. “ _They_ don't know you. You can tell yourself differently, but it's not true.”

He is glad when she goes to take a shower and he is left to read on his own. There must be something he can do to explain to Raven, that she is his sister, that he wants her to be happy, but that he can't look at her in the way she wants him to.

When he hears the bathroom door open, he looks up to smile at her, the expression momentarily freezes on his face. “Raven! Get dressed for god's sake! We're not children anymore!” His face heats up as she stands there in her own blue skin, not even a towel covering her up. He looks away embarrassed.

Raven's eyes are glowing with something that is really close to anger then. “Don't treat me like I'm still a child then! I'm an adult!” She stomps back into the bathroom and slams the door behind her.

_I can see that, Raven,_ he thinks and swallows at the thought. His little Raven is clearly not a little girl anymore. And that is very clearly going to be a problem.

He loves her too much to tell her that he knows what is going on. It would only add insult to injury. She's his sister, his oldest friend and the only other one like him in a world full of presumably normal people. She's a part of him and he knows he can't lose her over something like this. 

Never before has he missed the constant stream of her thoughts more than today.

&&&

Raven seems to think his telepathy is an advantage without any short comings, something invisible he doesn't have to hide away. On a certain level she _knows_ that's not true, that sometimes his gift has a painful downside. But compared to her own blue form, he seems to be better off from where she is standing.

Sometimes telepathy is a two edged sword, though. It can cut him when he least expects it. 

He can see through lies and false politeness, even when he is trying not to. He sometimes picks up stray thoughts that are less than pleasant. People show their real face in their own mind – even if they are pretty adapt at lying to themselves.

Raven thinks it's the two of them against the rest of the world.

Charles knows it's much more complicated than that. People harm and hurt each other all the time. They hate and fight each other for so many different reasons, it's frightening. Deep down everyone seems to be capable of cruelty and deceit. In a world ruled by fear, being different can be reason enough to be attacked. It can be enough to be killed even. The color of your skin can be reason enough to be killed. 

It scares him for Raven.

Sometimes he is scared for himself. Scared, because he wants to use his gift to change the minds of all people who act out of hate. He could do it. Wipe their minds, plant suggestions, fracture them and put them back together, make them whole and new and good. To know that he could scares him more than any cruelty he comes across.

Charles doesn't tell Raven about the worst of it. She already thinks he is naive to always look for the good in people he meets. He can't tell her that he _has_ to keep looking for it to not lose sight of what is right. How could he ever explain that he is afraid of losing himself to his own mind's power?

To change the world for the better people would need to let go of their fear. But Charles could not take the easy way out and just take it away – and with it their freedom. Because if he started to do that there would be no stopping him.

&&&

“There is this one guest who always comes in when I'm on shift,” she tells him. “He asked me out.”

It's not news to him that men find Raven attractive. Men ask her out all the time. She always reacts self-assured and flattered, but Charles knows her too well to not see that there is something to it that makes her uncomfortable. Although she doesn't believe it, he can emphasize. His telepathy is a part of him. It shapes how he experiences the world. Sometimes he gets close enough to someone that he wants to reveal that part of himself, wants someone else to _know_ him.

Raven wants to be loved for who she really is.

Charles understands that. He also wants her to know that her body, blue or not, is only a _part_ of who she is. She is his beautiful sister. Whatever she looks like, he can see her for what she is. He has promised never to read her thoughts against her will, but his telepathic ability is strong enough nowadays to pick up stray surface thoughts without wanting to. He _knows_ her, better than anyone. If anyone deserves to be loved it's his beautiful, headstrong, cheeky Raven. Whenever she's with a crowd of people, she seems self-assured and fearless, but Charles knows that the little frightened child he found in his kitchen is never far away.

“Did you say yes?”

Raven hooks her arm through his and smiles at him. “Of course. You won't be missing me, right? You have to work on your dissertation anyway.”

He hums in answer, pulling her a little more towards himself and pressing a kiss to her brow. “I will miss you, but I'm old enough to be left on my own once in a while.” 

_You're not alone,_ Raven thinks. _Never again._

Charles is happy to note her date goes well, but Raven is in a strange mood for the rest of the week. She briefly points the young man out, when Charles comes to pick her up after her shift one evening. He is in a pretty good mood himself and only spares him a glance and smiles mischievously at his sister.

It all ends only a short time later. As the responsible brother he is always trying to be he tries to find out what happened without prying. 

“Nothing,” Raven explains patiently. “Nothing happened. We were just too different. I didn't really... want to be with him.”

Charles furrows his brow and looks at her, searching her face and keeping himself from reading her thoughts.

Her face is a mask and he has to ask himself just how good she has become at controlling her form. Can she fake emotions now, too? “We didn't want the same things.”

They don't talk about it again, until Charles sees the young man on the street. His arm is in a cast and when Charles pries a little, he is horrified about what he finds. 

“Raven? Why didn't you tell me?” She doesn't blush in her blue form, but her eyes change color to a lighter yellow when she is embarrassed. “ _You_ don't have anything to be embarrassed about!” he chides. 

She nods and clings to him on the sofa, curled up in silence. Charles just puts an arm around her and pulls her closer. “It's okay.”

“He wanted to have sex and didn't accept that I didn't.” She is silent for another moment and Charles doesn't have to ask. He has seen most of it in the man's mind already. “I broke his arm.”

They stay silent for a while. They have known that Raven is strong for so long that something like this has possibly never occurred to them. “You should have broken both of them,” Charles sighs. “Maybe something else, too.”

Raven chuckles, calm and less embarrassed now. “I was thinking about it, but at that moment I just wanted to go.” And then she laughs a little louder. “And now for the rest of his life he will think that a little, blonde waitress has broken his arm.” Charles chuckles with her, although it's not funny and Raven sounds slightly hysterical, until they both can't stop laughing anymore and laugh and laugh until their bellies hurt.

They laugh until they are both exhausted. He can feel her relaxing against him and is content to just sit her and hold her. But there is something he has to tell her. “You know that I would have fractured his mind, if he'd dared to hurt you.”

She softly punches his shoulder. “I can take care of myself.” A moment later she whispers: “You could do that?”

“I think so.” He's never tried anything like that before.

Her expression is thoughtful. “I think you can let this one go,” she smiles after giving it some thought.

“I will. You don't need me to protect you.” It shouldn't hurt so much to admit it. They spend the rest of the evening in silence, always close to each other, but more comfortable then they've been in a while. 

&&&

Charles loves his studies. Every day he feels he is coming closer to some new revelation that will explain their wonderful existence. Science and fact will be their armor one day, a reason why people won't see them as a danger, but a next step in evolution. 

He also comes to the very exciting conclusion that his believe that he and Raven can't be all alone in the world with their mutations must be true. More mutants must be out there. It's unlikely that the two of them would have come across each other otherwise.

It makes him yearn to reveal himself, just to find someone else out there and make Raven see that she doesn't have to yearn for an impossible relationship when in fact there are so many other wonderful possibilities out there she doesn't even know about.

After her last failed attempt at romance she is determined to make Charles notice her, though. It's hard to pretend he's oblivious to her conflicted feelings, but he doesn't want to risk another argument about his “boundaries”. 

It gets to a point where she doesn't let him _talk_ to people without interfering. He tries not to get angry at her, when she uses her mutation to remind him that she is the only one like him in his life. It is hard sometimes, because Charles like everybody else yearns for some human contact once in a while. She wants him to see her like that and he wants her to see him as the caring brother he's trying so hard to be. 

“Would you want me like this?” she asks him for what seems to be the hundredth times.

“Raven, you're amazing. It has nothing to do with your looks.” She _is_ amazing. Deep blue skin and bright read hair and shining yellow eyes. He loves the contrast, has never again seen anything as exceptional. 

“It's easy for you to say that, Charles. You don't have to hide all the time.”

He gives her a sad smile. “Don't I?” _Isn't everybody hiding?_ Who would know better than a telepath?

Sometimes he feels he hides himself more with Raven than with anybody else nowadays. There are parts of him that she just can't see or understand. How things have changed. Is she feeling the same? He won't use his ability to just _look_ , but he would really like to know.

&&&

Charles knows that it will happen one day. Change will come. Mutations on the scale of his own or Raven's can not go unnoticed by the general public forever. He does not anticipate that change will come to him in the form of lovely Moira McTaggert, who is seeking him out as an expert in his field – and who as he can pick up from her mind has already seen others like Raven and him. Others who are again quite extraordinary and different if Moira's memory is anything to go by.

He is pleasantly surprised to find that although she was afraid back then at least for a moment, she also feels wonder and curiosity at her discovery.

This may be the perfect opportunity to find others. 

“Do you think it is a good idea to get involved with government agents,” Raven asks him, all the while not making a move to stop him, while he is gathering papers. He can tell she feels nervous about this, but like much like him she has been waiting for this for a long time. Others are out there. It's an exciting thought.

“It's better we are the first mutants they meet in person, I think. Better than criminals. First impressions are important, don't you think?”

She smiles and there is a warm thought directed at him. A memory of their first meeting in the kitchen. A boy smiling happily at a little blue girl. First impressions. Love and happiness. He chuckles and sends some of his own memories back at her and adds: _We'll never be alone again. Just think of all the exceptional people out there._

“We will have to make sure the CIA makes a good first impression on all of our kind, too”, Raven jokes. 

But Charles nods enthusiastically. “First impressions. Important. This could all so easily go wrong.” And Charles doesn't for a minute believe that his mission will be an easy one. After all he knows how most people deal with things they don't understand.

With fear and rejection.

&&&

First impressions. Important.

He's reminded of his own words when he and Erik are finally pulled out of the cold water. Moira is staring at him and then at Erik with wide eyes. 

Erik – nearly drowning himself and focused on nothing but his hunt for Shaw. Charles is throwing himself overboard in his haste to save another mutant he hasn't even properly met yet. It's perfectly clear to him what Moira thinks of them at this particular moment in time - even without reading her mind. It is written all over her face. She thinks they are both crazy.

Charles has to agree with her assessment. Frantic, insane, confused, afraid, excited, surprised. It's all a little much and it happens too quickly to sort through all the confused feelings right now. In his haste he has touched Erik's mind deeper than he had intended and at the moment it is hard to sort out what he is feeling and what he has taken from Erik. He gasps when for a moment the horrible memories of Erik's childhood flash before his eyes again, he is careful to hide how shaky he is feeling. 

Moira is quick to have blankets wrapped around them, already ushering them inside, ignoring the demands of other agents to have Erik questioned first.

Erik doesn't glance at anyone but Charles, unblinkingly staring as if he can't quite believe his own eyes. Charles doesn't dare touch his thoughts again while he isn't in full control of himself. But he can't help, but stare back at Erik in turn.

First impressions, he thinks wryly. Whatever happens now, he will never be able to forget how he met one Erik Lehnsherr. 

And he can't wait for Raven to meet him either. This is the proof he had been waiting for, that there is a world full of _others_ out there. Raven does not need to pin all her hopes of happiness on him alone anymore. She'll meet others. Out there on that submarine he had sensed four mutants, one of them Shaw and one of them a telepath like him. There must be even more out there somewhere. Even others like him. Maybe others like Raven. Maybe others who's powers he couldn't even imagine.

Now maybe their relationship can be the easy companionship of siblings again, without the strain and unspoken accusations and fear of a different kind of loneliness. 

Erik is cautious when he learns that he is on a CIA ship, but when he meets Raven he relaxes visibly. Another mutant. Another marvel. “She's your sister?” he asks surprised. “So you're a...” He wriggles his fingers beside his head to indicate he's talking about Charles power. “...too?”

_You're both lucky,_ Erik projects without knowing he's doing it. I'm alone.

Charles laughs beside him, trying not to react to the darkness in Erik's memories. “Raven is not a telepath, no. I'm not even sure that would be how it worked, if we were related...”

“Don't start lecturing us about genetics, please. You just saved his life. No need to bore him to death.” His dear sister lightly slaps his arm, laughing and then giving the new arrival a quick once over.

After a moment she smiles at Erik, a little cautious, as if she is wary of letting another one into their circle. Maybe she is also still a little scared, because Charles has nearly drowned himself for some stranger. _It wasn't that bad,_ he informs her lightly. She looks at him and thinks back: _You are important to me. And we know nothing about him._

But Charles does. And he has a feeling he is the only person left on this planet, who can really say he knows Erik Lehnsherr. Of course, he doesn't say it. Not out loud. Not even to Raven. Because Charles also _knows_ that Erik has his reasons for not seeking other people's company very often.

When he looks up though, Erik is staring at him again, then looks briefly back at Raven, as if Charles caught him doing something embarrassing. “You're not related...? But you said...”

“I'm his sister,” Raven interrupts before Charles can say anything. “Adopted sister.”

Erik is staring at her now, intense and interested. “But you're a mutant, too?”

Raven doesn't need Erik to say more. In the blink of an eye Charles is staring at the curious sight of Erik Lehnsherr staring himself down. It's so funny that a startled laugh escapes him before he can stifle it and both pairs of green eyes are suddenly trained on him. But for the first time since their rescue there is something humorous in Erik's expression. “You have a beautiful sister, Charles.”

“You have no idea,” he and Raven say in unison, sharing a conspiratorial glance, before Raven shows Erik her true form.

“Like I said,” Erik concludes. “Beautiful.” 

&&&

Erik is not particularly impressed by the CIA agents or their _secret_ facilities. His face is a mask of indifference most of the time. And with what Charles has learned from Erik's memory he isn't really surprised that Erik would feel that way. He has more at hand experience in successful secret operations than most of the agents around them, and many of them would probably try and apprehend Erik if they had any idea what exactly he had been doing during his search for Sebastian Shaw.

Charles thinks he should be more afraid of what he has seen in Erik's mind. He knows what lies under his now calm and self-assured exterior. But then what he remembers more than anything is the pain and the anger and he remembers too well what it feels like to be so angry that you have to lash out. Erik hasn't allowed himself to think about anything but revenge for years, and Charles thinks what he really might be in need of is a little more calm and happiness in his life. But he knows he can't offer that without putting Erik on his guard.

More than once he finds Erik watching him with a neutral expression, sometimes even an amused smile. He doesn't stop the smile that comes to his own lips then. Erik's mind is working incessantly, Charles can practically _feel_ it, but after the intense first hand experience at falling into his memories he refrains from taking another look. He doesn't want to make Erik uncomfortable, of course, although he can admit to himself at least that isn't the only reason he stays away. He stays away, because he has never felt as attracted to another mind before. Complicated, strong and maybe a little fractured. There is radiant brilliance there and still so much darkness and pain.

Erik is _fascinating_. The first other mutant he has met after finding Raven, but there is something else, too. A familiarity, a connection. And it seems he is not the only one who is feeling it. He's also very much aware of the uncomfortable fact that Erik is not planning to stay with them anyway. It is a shame really, because Charles would really like to get to know him better and Erik could probably do well with a friend or two.

Raven watches them with a bemused expression. She too is feeling something strong, but Charles is careful not to pry. His control isn't at his best and he doesn't want to alienate his closest friend when they may be at the verge of something _big_ \- on the verge of something that will very likely change both of their lives forever. Their _social_ lives even. Something that had seemed impossible of ever happening just a short time ago.

&&&

When they meet Hank, Charles can't hide his own excitement. The moment his mind touches Hank's he knows he's found another one. Another mutant and a brilliant young man. Why had he never found other mutants in all these years? How likely had it been to find Raven right there in his own kitchen and then never find another mutant until now? And here they are - four mutants with different powers and many others out there.

Hank has his own plans, too. He has been working on something ever since he had recognized that it was likely they would find people with more mental powers one day soon. It's the only thing Hank can think of since he's been told about Charles and his powers. Charles doesn't take any details from his mind, but he feels an answering excitement build in him. Finally he may be able to do something more with his powers.

He is glad when Raven takes an interest in Hank right from the very first minute they meet. Raven in her human guise has never exactly had problems making friends with people, but Charles can _see_ that this time Raven isn't just acting, she is actually being herself. Or trying to be. She hasn't been herself with anyone but him for so long that she feels a bit confused herself. In these first days it makes her happy and that is enough for Charles.

All he ever wants for her – for both of them – is a chance at happiness.

So when Erik – quite as Charles expected him to do from the beginning– tries to leave a few hours later, the information about Shaw in his brief case, Charles feels devastated. Because he has come to _know_ Erik and he had quite hoped that Erik would at least want to get to know him a little, too. But he also knows that Erik has been driven by the thought for revenge for so long that it's unlikely he will give up on it lightly. So he gives him the one thing Erik wants.

A way out.

He is pleasantly surprised anyway when he finds out that Erik has stayed.

And when he leaves the compound to take a trip, it is in Charles' company.

&&&

Charles is so preoccupied with all that is happening. With a pang of regret he realizes that he and Raven haven't really talked in days. Not in the way they usually _talk_. 

“So many different powers,” she says, telling him about how Alex is fitting into their little group of young exceptional people. “But none of them was born blue.”

Charles looks at her. “No. Just means every one of you is special in his or her own way, don't you think?”

“Moira said, she saw a red mutant in the Hellfire Club.” He remembers that – and also the excited expression on Raven's face when she first heard the story. 

“Will you and Erik leave again, soon?”

He nods. “I think so.”

She stares at her hands, her human, pink hands and nods. “You get along well, you two?”

“Most of the time.”

She chuckles. “You are so different. I would have thought you'd drive each other crazy on your first day alone.” He has to smile at her gleeful tone. “But then, you may also have some things in common, huh?”

“Sometimes people who are different get along precisely _because_ they are different, Raven.” Although he knows it is much more complicated than that with him and Erik. And he's about to find out that it's also more complicated than that between Raven, Hank _and_ Erik.

&&&

He doesn't see any reason to interfere until they are all settled into the mansion. The house doesn't hold many happy memories for either him or Raven and during the first days they both keep intentionally busy, talking more to everyone else than they talk to each other. So Charles doesn't find out Erik is meddling with Raven and Hank a little, before he has a new training session with Hank, who is still reluctant to let go and use his full physical potential. Whatever it is that is going on, it makes Hank nervous and uncomfortable enough that he is projecting at least some of his thoughts. 

Charles can't imagine Erik means any real harm. On their search for more mutants they did have a lot of time to talk and find out more about each other. 

Erik isn't always a nice man.

But Erik is not a bad person. Still sometimes he is very sure that he is the only one who sees the world for what it truly is, and that leaves very little room for other views. Who can blame him when his stubbornness is what has kept him alive for so long? Charles certainly can't.

He is careful when questioning Raven about it. She is equally careful in answering his questions. “I don't think he's doing it on purpose,” Raven says softly. Her brow furrows and she bites her lip, a telltale sign that something else is bothering her. “But I think you're right. He's scaring Hank a bit. Or well he's scaring him a lot, actually. He's a bit scary, our Erik.”

Charles can't help but laugh. Because Erik can be pretty scary when he wants to. He's only seen glimpses of it and he knows that not one of them has yet seen the really scary Erik. He hopes there will be no need to meet the person, who has turned revenge into a frightening art form, the killer who hides behind Erik's surprisingly pleasant manners. Of course, Charles is not about to tell Hank or even Raven about this little detail. Because Hank is feeling uncomfortable enough as it is. And Raven... Raven, without knowing the things Charles has seen in Erik's mind, feels that there is something more to Erik than meets the eye. She can feel some of the danger, the mystery.

And it intrigues her.

This worries him. He wants safer things for Raven. Happier things.

But then how can he not understand her fascination when Erik also intrigues him.

&&&

“Don't you think your sister is old enough to know what she wants all on her own?”

“Erik,” he says and knows he sounds exasperated. For some reason they've been arguing since Erik made the opening move of another chess game. They've had their differences from the start, but this is different. Erik is trying to rile him up on purpose. Charles tries not to look at his thoughts, but he can feel anger under the surface of every word Erik directs at him. “It's more complicated than that, and you know it.”

“I do?” Erik shoots back, all purposefully fake innocence and piercing eyes, while he moves his rook.

“You're trying to influence her as much as I am. Otherwise you'd not interfere.” He contemplates the board, focusing hard on not directly meeting Erik's eyes. Erik leans forward, trying to force Charles to look at him. “Raven doesn't know what she wants, yet. All I'm asking is for you to keep out of it until she has made up her own mind.”

Erik chuckles. “How very brotherly of you.”

It sounds like an insult. Charles makes his move on the board and leans back in his armchair to finally look at Erik. “Erik. Listen to me for once. Raven has lived a hard life before I found her and then she lived a sheltered life with me. And yes, _that_ is entirely my fault. This is the first time for any of us to meet others that understand. Let her make her own mistakes.”

“You don't see it, do you?” Erik says, half amazement, half disgust. “Her true beauty.”

Charles stares at Erik hard.

“You don't see yours either,” Erik goes on. “You've been hiding for too long. You're used to playing along, hiding your true self. You want her to have something safe and normal, like _them_.”

“That's stupid, Erik. Don't presume you know me better than I know myself. Don't presume to know more about my sister than I do.”

“But I do. It's time that you stop protecting her.”

It hurts, because Charles knows, but can't admit, that Erik isn't completely wrong. “Raven is easily influenced by people she has feelings for. It may be my fault that it turned out this way, but she has to learn that she can't model herself after the men in her life: not me, not Hank, not you. But she has to learn it _herself_.”

Erik laughs out loud. “Always the teacher, Charles. It would be endearing if it weren't so utterly frustrating.”

The game of chess stands between them, forgotten, but Charles feels like they are still playing, just on a different level. 

“If you're the expert, Charles, then tell me why you're alone? Out of consideration? Out of inability?” He can't keep from looking this time and sees a spark of something bright and searing. Lust. Frustration.

He's flattered and just the tiniest bit afraid that Erik will swallow him whole if he'd let him. So he settles back and pretends he doesn't know. But Erik knows better, has figured out Charles since they've stared at each other on that CIA ship. So Charles starts talking - as much a distraction as a point he has to get across: “You say I don't see her true beauty. But I see it. I see a part that is Raven whatever form she takes on. She is always beautiful.” He takes a deep breath and says: “And so are you. Even when your anger or your self-righteousness burns you up.” 

He is sure that will settle it.

He's not prepared for Erik to get up an kiss him. Surprise keeps himself from moving, away or towards Erik. His mind goes blank and it's a peculiar sensation for someone who primarily experiences the world via his mind. Erik isn't gentle or restrained. One of his big hands grabs his jaw to keep him from pulling away, before he deepens the kiss and Charles finally feels himself responding to the insistent probing. By the time they pull apart for air, Erik is practically sitting in his lap, effectively pinning Charles in place.

“I want you,” Erik tells him.

“I know.”

Erik answers with an exasperated chuckle. “Of course, you do.” But he doesn't stop. Instead he is pulling at Charles' clothes insistently. Charles has the insane thought that he should tell Erik that he's respecting his privacy, that he only catches the thoughts that are _loud_ , that Erik doesn't keep in. _I'm not looking!_ But it's not the time to argue, when Erik closes the rest of distance between them and presses their mouths together again, pressing Charles back into the cushions.

_Want you. Beautiful. Want._

Erik projects his thoughts so loudly that Charles groans, frustrated and turned on more than he would have though possible.

Charles knows deep down that this can't end well. Not with Erik, Raven and him tangled into this mess as they are. But when Erik leans forward to leave a wet, hot trail of kisses on his neck, he still doesn't stop Erik. 

He doesn't protest when Erik takes of his sweater, doesn't say anything when he helps Charles get out of his cardigan and makes him lose his shirt.

Later when their in bed, Erik's arms holding him against his chest, Erik's chest barely rising and falling in the relaxation of sleep, Charles doesn't think all of it matters all that much anyway.

&&&

Erik doesn't treat him any differently than before and Charles is glad. He's not ready for anything to change between them. Too much depends on them, and too much can potentially go wrong with this thing he isn't quite ready to call a _relationship_.

Raven find him in the kitchen. It feels like the kitchen has become their place in this house.

“Do you remember what it was like to hide away here when Kurt was screaming at Cain?” she asks and smiles. “What are you hiding away from today?”

He gives her a thin smile. “Oh,” he sighs. “Responsibility?” There are frankly too many things he doesn't want to face today. But he's not about to let Raven know what's really on his mind. Not today.

Once he would have told her everything.

“Well, you're the resident teacher now, professor,” she says and sits down at the table beside him. “This is all a little crazy, isn't it? A while ago it was just the two of us.” 

He doesn't know how she manages to sound so sad and excited all at once. “Crazy,” he repeats “I would never have thought we'd return to this house again.”

“Me neither.” She lays her head against his shoulder. “Crazy.”

It's hard not to look inside her head and just find out what she truly thinks about everything. But he's promised himself not to take the easy way out. “How are you? Are you all right with all of this?“ He nods his head, indicating the kitchen, the house, the people in it.

“I'm okay,” she says. “How are you?”

“Tired,” he says.

“We haven't really talked once since...” She doesn't end her sentence, but lets it hang between them.

“Since we've figured out it's not just the two of us?” he asks to let her know he understand.

“We've figured that out long before that. We just never found more people like us.”

“Were we really looking?” he asks and it makes her pause. 

She sits up to look at him. “I don't think I was.” _I was content knowing it was the two of us._ “but I think you were.”

They are sitting there in silence for a while, not looking at each other, staring at the kitchen table instead, as if it could come alive at any moment.

“How are things with Hank?” he asks to break the silence.

She shrugs and ask: “How are things with _Erik_?” An intense memory of Erik calling her beautiful accompanies her words.

“Not sure there is a thing with Erik,” he says and feels her eyes back on him.

“Not sure there is a thing with Hank either.”

He wants to tell her she is wrong, that Hank needs time and things will work out. But who is he to tell her that? He who sleeps with Erik expecting it to go wrong, although he would really love for it to go right, to work out.

“I really missed you, Raven,” he whispers and pulls her against him again. 

_I missed you, too,_ she thinks back. _Everything is changing so fast._

He nods and holds on to her.

Alex enters the kitchen and he and Raven exchange some banter.

“Are you okay, professor?” Alex asks a moment later. “You're awfully quiet.” 

“There are a lot of things on my mind,” he smiles. Alex is still always nervous around them. He doesn’t show it, but he's still always waiting for the moment of ultimate rejection. So Charles tries to be patient and kind and reassuring, but today it's hard to focus on anyone's problems. “Are you up for another round of training?” he asks.

Alex smiles back self-consciously and shrugs. He's not comfortable with using his power yet and the although training sessions are helping him, he's still a bit afraid to hurt anyone.

“Well, let's get started then.” Charles gets up and Alex gets to his feet, too, eager to go along with anything Charles says.

Raven watches them go with a displeased expression. _At least Erik really sees me,_ she thinks and Charles can't help but catch the thought. If he answers her now, she'll be angry. But he has to talk to her about this.

Because how could Charles ever not see her? 

Maybe it's time to let her go? To stop protecting her? Let her be herself?

He doesn't want to think about it. It sounds to much like losing her forever.

&&&

“Raven came to me,” Erik tells him two nights later. They're in bed, naked and exhausted and it's really the most inappropriate time to bring it up.

“I know,” Charles says softly. Erik frowns and Charles marvels at his ability to be disapproving of Charles using his gift under these circumstances. So he clarifies: “I'm not blind, Erik. You are her latest crush.”

“So you didn't read my mind? Or hers?”

Charles chuckles, an angry, unpleasant sound he wants to take back the moment he hears it. “So you only see true beauty in the gifts that you don't feel threatened by? That's a bit hypocritical of you, Erik, wouldn't you agree?”

“Your beautiful. Your mind is beautiful. But I'd be a fool not to recognize you're also a little bit dangerous. I'm not sure you know it yourself and that's why I'm weary of you.”

He remembers the way he had protected his family back when he was a child, remembers Cain and nods calmly. “That sounds very reasonable to me, Erik. After all I know you're a little dangerous, too.”

Erik just looks at him strangely.

Charles knows it's the beginning of the end. He just doesn't know yet how right he is to feel that way.

&&&

He knows he's lost Raven a long time ago. He knows he never really had Erik in the first place. Losing them still hurts like hell. He's seen it coming, but could never have foreseen this outcome.

Raven is done with hiding - and she's come to equate her life with him with exactly that.

Erik is done with trying for peaceful coexistence. Maybe he'll think better of it when he feels a little less shaken – he has just faced his biggest trauma -, but Charles honestly doubts it.

He knows both of them too well to expect their minds to be easily changed.

Bleeding, he lies there on the beach, not able to feel his legs, but the only thing he can think of is the pain he feels at losing these people – his sister, his friends, his lover? Loved ones. He wants to reach out, but he doesn't have anything left to reach out with. They've both made up their minds. And Charles has already refused to go with Erik.

It's over.

He tries to keep a calm face. Raven would stay with him out of guilt if she knew – so he doesn't tell her that he can't feel his legs, that he doesn't want her to go, that he loves her whoever she decides to be. It makes him a manipulative liar. If he would trust her to make up her own mind, he would give her all the information. But he can't.

He's as bad an manipulative as both of them think him to be. 

So he lets them go. It's not the end, but the beginning of something sad and painful. And the hardest part of it is accepting that Raven won't be by his side to face whatever is to come.

But it's time for her to figure out what she really wants. He'd promised her to accept it...

&&&

All his life he can never forgive Erik for taking his sister away from him, for taking Raven, for creating Mystique. But most of all he can never forgive himself for failing her when she'd needed him most, for letting Erik take her – for letting Erik _go_ when he wanted him to stay.

They would've had the chance to be part of something wonderful – all of them together. They could have created a future together, something better than the fight that's never ending.

Instead everything falls apart on a beach, his blood in the sand and his heart broken. 

He can't forgive Erik for leaving. But it was him who'd been afraid to show Erik his true self.

He can never be mad at Raven, even when he has to fight Mystique every step of the way. Because even today when he looked at her, he saw a beautiful girl trying to be herself.

Whatever happens, he can never not love his sister. Even when it seems she's forgotten how close they'd been once upon a time.

Whatever happens he can never be done with Erik.


End file.
